So I've gotten paranoid.
I've been watching wayyy too much Criminal Minds lately and it's freaking me out. I'm addicted to it though and love it greatly. But it's kind of dark and freaky and all about twisted crazy murders and it makes me rather frightened.
I should just stop watching...obvy, but my tv shows are rather important to me and I've fallen in love with all the psychology in the show.
I hate living alone. If I was living with my g-ma right now I could watch all 5 season of CM and not even worry at all. Now I seriously look over my shoulder about every 5 minutes.
Ugh. And it's getting worse instead of better.
I'm right fucking tired beyond all means right now so I'm just kind of rambling.
I feel like such a child though. When it comes to night I still feel like I'm 14. And it drives me nuts when my parents just say "we'll fucking grow up". Well fuck you. Like what the hell do you want me to do? It's not like I want to freak myself out every night.
I've always been paranoid like this. It's gotten a little worse lately cuz of my viewing habits but windows and closets and nighttime has always freaked me out.
And now that my comp is where it is and my back is to everything I can't stop picturing someone just coming up behind me and slitting my throat. Honestly I was just scared to type that in fear it would happen as I type.
I have a very over-active imagination. That's why I always wanted to be a writer, but it also fucks my brain over.
Srsly I'm such a baby about this but I don't really care, it freaks me out. Tonight for some reason especially. Ugh. I feel like an idiot. I just fucking jumped because I thought I heard someone breath. I think I'm going crazy.
I realize that it's "good" for me to live here but I fucking hate it sometimes. Or just the fact that we don't all live together. Or that I'm not allowed a gun.
New Mission in Life: Get a Gun
Totally not hard either. 80$ and you have to pass two exams. Although I guess it would prolly really piss my father off if I ended up getting a handgun license before a driver's license.
I'm so gonna regret posting in the morning but I'm too tired too tired to comprehend what I'm saying and how dumb I sound.

Hello Zack Morris(SbtB) and Smog/Travis Strong(RFR)...Defin. have not outgrown them. Although I guess they'd be a little less BFF and a little more Fw/B. :). Yum.

That life moves on. No matter what happens, no matter how horrible and sucky it is, life always moves on. It's your choice whether or not you let yourself move on. If you want to be unhappy then you will be and yeah you can't always force yourself to be happy but you can do something to change. Everything's your own choice.

So I had something specific I wanted to babble on but as soon as I got on here my mind just completely blanked. I'm too damn tired. It's over an hour past my bedtime. Sha'll babble about other things till I remember. Babble. I like that word.

Life's been kind of...stupid lately. Well I've been stupid lately. I haven't really done anything stupid just been feeling things dumbly. School's getting to me. For once I'm actually doing things. But I'm still sucking. I'm getting 90%'s (hello, should have started home school years ago!) but it's taking me forever. There's no way in hell I'm gonna get everything done in time. I do realize that's it's mainly because I chose to do a stupid math course that sucks to take in ISP.

Still don't know what I wanna do with the rest of my life. It's still freaking me right out. It's just so stupid. For like 10 years I was determined to be a journalist. That was so much easier then this choosing shit. I'm just so flip-floppy.

Been having a hell of a time with the father. Helene's driving me right off my rocker. She took my playstation. I am not happy. Basically the story goes that I've been getting lectured for a while about shutting off my TV to save hydro and I have a bad memory. I was getting better though. I had turned it off all week. Then one day I left it on (granted Dez did affer to turn it off). I come home and my playstation is gone. Now this would be fine if my father had done this or if I was living at Helene's. But that's not how it is. If my father tried to teach her kids a lesson she would kill him. And rightfully so. If my father wants to teach me a lesson that's one thing but seriously fuck off. And I'm not even mad at her. I'm mad at my idiot father. He wants me to ask her for it back. Why the hell should I ask for it when it shouldn't have been taken in the first place?! The only reason he wants me to ask for it is because he's a little bitch when it comes to her. Last week I asked to use his credit card and he told me I had to wait for Helene to come home so I could ask her. It's his fucking money! Grow a pair! Agh. So annoyed. Plus he threatened to kick me out over dropping a CD! Long story. It involves him loving his floor(that I didn't even hurt) more than me.

Getting nerve tests done next month. Joy. Was hoping I could do the nerve biopsy instead cuz at least that would be interesting to watch but no such luck.

Speaking of doctors and such. I have a fractured toe. From tripping down the stairs on Easter. I am getting rather sick of falling on my face. I have two brutally skinned knees from the curb incident, a fractured toe from the tumble down the stairs, and a skinned elbow from some recent fall that I don't even remember having.

Today I went to the mall. There were Christians recruiting. Or some other type of religious people. Why do they always seem to send the young hot ones out? In suits. It draws me to them whether I want to be or not. Honestly I'm not positive it was for religion. The poster said "Looking for Standards. Feel Lost? Get Found." I think it was a cult. They had some haunting music playing too. I suspect subliminal messages. I was waiting for them to pass out the kool-aid. But I would have let him find me anytime ;)

Oy. Can you tell I'm tired?

Speaking of religion...I was researching the devil the other day. (Dez...come home soon. I have no life) I do not understand why people think God is such a great guy. Supposedly he cares about us soooo much yet he banished his own son to hell. Now I figured Lucifer must have done something pretty damn bad to get sent to a fiery pit. Killed his own mother? Had sex with a ferret? Created the Jonas Brothers? No. None of those. No what he did was he said he wanted to obtain more power than his father. Well then. Isn't that kind of every kids fantasy? You crazy Christians, he's just another deadbeat dad. I've been watching a lot of Supernatural lately (And no that is not where I did my research from, I swear) so I'm very against the religious right now.

Speaking of deadbeat dads...(Lots of segways(sp) today)I find it weird to think that my father has another kid. One that was just abandoned. Lately I've been looking for my brother a lot. Lots of facebook searching. Google was uber useless. Canada 411 wasn't much better. It doesn't help that I'm guessing at his last name in order to avoid an awkward conversation with my father. The last place my father knows of him living in is Hamilton. But that was along time ago. Apparently the last time my father talked to him, he told my father that his girlfriend was pregnant. My father thinks he was lying to get money. (It's all very soap-opera-ish). But if it was true than my father would be a grandfather teehee. And I would be an aunt. That would be cool. Except you know, not cuz I don't know him. Oh, I'm a dreamer.

I hate my hair. Orange is a dumb irreversible color.

Can't wait for summer!!! Oh dear cottage, do not let my father sell you before I get to see you. Bon-fires, swimming, The Hummingbird, AJ's, ice cream, Bridal Veil :)...Possibly fireworks, snow cones, fishing, canoeing, tubing, drinks. I'm so pumped it cannot be explained. Please father do not ruin my joy.

I think I have spoken enough dumb words for one day.
Look out bed, here I come.
You all are welcome to join ;) :P
<3

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I hate my life.
And I hate my father. I try never to say that but he's such an ass.
I'm close to getting kicked out again. This time for absolutely nothing. Not that there was a great reason the other times but still.
Fuck.
Such an ass.
I'm fine with him giving me lectures and shit on how I've wasted so much time and what not. That's fine because I have. But don't act like your some great fucking parent because you've expressed an interest for two god damn seconds. He seriously thinks he's a better parent than most people. Like how the fuck did he get that opinion? I'm pretty sure being a good parent or just a parent at all involves your child actually living with you for more than a couple months at a time.
Fuck.
I hate this life.
I just do not see the point.
And I really don't care if I'm being dramatic or stupid.
I guess that's the problem. I just don't fucking care.

Life is so fucked up lol. I don't mean mine specifically, I just mean life in general.
I don't look at the past too often. Well...I guess I do but only in my mind. I don't usually look at old photo's and reminisce or read old lj's and today I decided too out of procrastination.
It's so weird. It seems for the most part that when we write about what we're feeling we're just trying to be mature, smart, and adult-sounding. But really, that is so not how we feel. I'm not saying I don't do either cuz I did it for the majority of my lj's. It's just so different to read lj's that are of actual feeling. I dunno. This is really just a random thought.
My god I hope I've learned for my mistakes. I was a bitch. Not saying I'm not now but I was seriously just an idiot who thought that she new better and had way to much pride. Not saying I don't think I know better now lol. But I really hope that I've learned that it's okay to give in and say "yah I fucked up. I was wrong". I can say I've learned but I won't really know I guess until it comes to that point.
My god how everything's changed. It's just so crazy reading how people's life's were then and now. It's so strange. But great. You go through a lot of shit before you get to where you are.

Anywho. Life's been...odd lately. My mind's been very, I dunno, down I guess. I have a hard time picturing the future. We're at that point where we choose our future and it's all up to us and blah blah blah and that kinda sux. I'm lazy as all hell and as much as I know I can have a good future if I want, that involves doing high school well. Thank god for Mr. Juuti and him giving me permission to do homeschooling.
It's just ugh. My life has changed a lot. In all honestly, I remember years ago making a note not to plan for the future. I was depressed and just basically decided that I wasn't going to have one. I didn't see life getting any better. So basically I did shit all and just didn't care about anything. And when life got better I never got rid of the I Don't Care attitude. And now I'm so screwed.
Ugh I don't know what to do. The smart thing would be to take a shit load of math classes and do accounting in college. It would make my father happy, I could get a job easily, I'd pass the classes with ease, and money is good and always coming. But you always hear people saying that they wished they had went with their dream. So if I went with scriptwriting I'd be doing something I love, being involved with something I'm obsessed with and I'd have more of the life I want but I'd be taking a bunch of classes I don't want, I'd only be making money if I sold scripts, and passing would be very iffy. I dunno. I think I could be happy with just a normal, boring life, with a normal, boring job but I'm always gonna wish I had stuck with writing. Although I guess there's nothing saying that I can't do both but ugh. fuck.

I had pretty good weekend I must say. It was an uplifter from stress-ville. I pretty much kick ass at bowling. Well most of the time at least. I came in last one game but I came in second oncee and won the other. Plus I got 3 strikes, a spare and the highest score of the night so booyah. But on the crap side. I suck at Pictionary. Dez and Amber whooped mine and Anth's asses. On V-Day I went out to eat with D, Anth and her fam with was awesome since D only comes down every so often and obvy I wanna see her as much as possible. Plus it felt good to included since it was V-Day and I would have been all aloney-on-my-owney. We had A LOT of food. It was deathly. But yummy. This weekend's been really good. If I could just keep my head in this place and get my ass in gear and out of high school I think life might end up pretty great.

:) <3

Ugh. I am once again close to being sued by a network.
What the fuck is it with my computer? Every one else downloads movies. Why isn't anyone else getting calls and threats. Fucking christ.
My father is the one who got the call too so he wants to kill me. Well I wanna kill him because he didn't pay enough attention and now I don't even know which movie to delete. The only thing I know is that it was CBS that phoned. I guess I could check which network owns which movie and do process of elimination. If my father thinks I'll just delete everything he's nutso.
Well that's two networks down lol. NBC and CBS. I wonder how many others I can get before I die...Or before I get sued. That would suck.

It's been quite a bit since I last posted and honestly I have crap all to talk about. I'm just trying to waste time while my youtube vids load.
Not much is new. I have to start applying to colleges soon or else my father is going to freak out at me. Today I got yelled at cuz I said I wanted an xbox. All I said was "I really wanna save up to get an xbox" and his response was "You have more god damn important things to worry about. What the hell are you gonna do about college?" Don't know how those two things connected in his brain but whateves.
I do wanna sign up for college but every time I look into I get really over whelmed after like two seconds.
My father keeps saying "I can't do it for you" when really that's exactly what he wants to do. He wants me to be a teacher. Or a therapist. I'm starting to wonder if he's met me. I hate people. Those jobs are all about people.
Ugh. How am I gonna take creative writting if I can't even spell writting.
My dream would be to get into Algonquin for professional writing. If I don't then I may just off myself.
Ugh. I have a massive- almost anxiety inducing- fear of rejection.
My goal tonight is to have a list of places to apply to.
God help me.

My father put down my dogs today :(
It was a lot harder than I thought.
Hard not to do the crying thing lol.
I miss them already. The house is really empty without them.
It was so depressing. They put them in kennels and as we were leaving Blue started barking and it was just so sad :(.
I'm quite pissed.
The kennel dude was just like "ok reasons for putting them down? I'll just put down sick." I kind of wanted to punch him in the face.
My father has killed my roommates :(.
Fuck.
They've been around so long. For 10 years. And now they're gone. For no reason.
This is so much harder than I thought.
I want them back.
This is so fucking stupid.

Today is annoying.
My stupid teacher sent me out of class for putting eye liner on while he was teaching...Two days ago. You think he would have sent me out Monday or yesterday but no. For some reason he waited till today. Gay.
And my father won't let me quit counselling. Or at least not until I go at least once more. Stupid waste of life.
But besides that...I'm getting some good marks back :). I got 96% on my poetry. Which was odd cuz it was not so good. And I got 83% on my psych experiment. Considering I did the whole thing at like 5am I'd say that's pretty good. And then I got 62% on my portfolio. That doesn't sound good but I only did enough marks to get a 65% so that's actually fantastic :) Plus that test I thought I failed I actually passed :)I got another perfect on my essay questions. Kick-ass :)
I'm right pumped for Christmas. Can't wait. Although I would kinda like to avoid the family-ness. Too much Alec drama to be able to handle. Helene is not going to be a happy one.
Ugh. I have another doctors appt next week :( Apparently something is wrong with me but they have yet to know what lol Shocker. Our hospital is useless. Although it's partially my fault I guess. I should have went in like a year and a half ago.
I'm running out of TV shows :( It's getting depressing. lol. But I do have a massive movie list to go through.
I seriously have nothing to type about. I'm just quite bored.
Can't wait for everyone to be down :) Dez, Anth, Mike, Tim, Foy....Yay :D :D
Should be lots of fun drinks nights :)
Excited!